the hardest parts

I probably wouldn’t have chosen what we’re being required to walk through.  You don’t plan for your life to unfold in such a messy way that you spend years trying to find your bearings, only to find you don’t have any in and of yourself.  It’s hard pill to swallow when you realize that raising a strong child with sensory processing disorder is a day in, day out struggle to maintain your sanity and easy will probably never define that relationship.  Hard to not feel guilty for receiving the grace God gives through the personality of another child and trying to maintain the balance.  Hard to walk through daily motherhood and not end up laying in bed at night feeling like a total failure.  Hard to walk beside your husband through the uncharted territory of the Lord turning your life upside down in jobs, your home, security…knowing He’s calling you out to the place He will show you but you’re not being allowed to see it...yet.  Hard to live through uncertain months and, through many tears, get to the place of letting go of thinking you can hold any of it together anyway.  Hard to embrace the challenging beauty in seeing the Lord respond to our trust and steps of faith while losing loved ones along the way.  Hard to be motivated to finish the bittersweet job of getting our house ready to go on the market…less than 3 months before our third baby will join our family.  Hard to prepare to leave with no idea where we are being led.  I’m not gonna lie, it’s just been months of plain hard.

The good thing about so many things being up in the air is that you have no choice but to rely on the Lord.  All of the things I am facing are too big for me.  Especially in the midst of pregnancy hormones.  Living in limbo will certainly test what you’re made of…and, at times most of the time, show you your worst self.  The reason I keep going is because of Jesus.  Never before have I known how much I need Him.  He sends encouragement, provision, and more grace just when I think I can’t hold on for another minute.  We have gotten to experience miracles and joys on this path that can’t come any other way than being in a place of total desperation and dependence.  While I wouldn’t have chosen these hard places, I’m learning to be thankful for them.  I imagine it must be frustrating for the Lord to work in someone’s life that seems to always find a way to muscle through on their own.  Releasing control of it all hasn’t come without a fight.  But even in the midst of quieting anxiety, hanging on to promises and lots of deep breaths, I have a hope and excitement for what lies ahead.  Knowing that He is thinking of each of us in this little family and knows just what we need.