the littles.

STELLA

(a week before her first birthday)

STETSON

(turning 4 in May)

our crazy little life.

So James left for the first leg of John Mark's spring tour and I found myself sick as a dog, at home with my kids, with 2 1/2 weeks to go...I guess one way the Lord reveals to me how much I need Him (& others) is when I find myself completely unable to get it together in any way, shape, or form...I usually go into a certain "let's get this done/single mom" mode when James is traveling and if I start running out of steam, it's usually the last few days he's gone...however, this time I started off with no steam...I spent the first week sick, with a cold-turned-sinus infection, and the second week on antibiotics, trying to recover...it was miserable...before I finally went to the doctor, I was having daily meltdowns, feeling like a failure and completely unable to pull it together...after a few come-aparts (over the course of a week) on the phone with James, he suggested I go stay with his parents so I could have some help with the kids (mainly Stetson)...I finally conceded to the fact that I physically couldn't continue the way I was and agreed to go...so the next day we went to grandpa & mimi's house...it was such an ordeal to get there that day---Stetson having school, going to the doctor, packing us up, picking up medicine & sitting in traffic---that part of me wanted to say forget it, we'll stay home...but I pushed through and we eventually made it...and it was as if the Lord, Himself, had rescued me...I have never been so grateful for help in my life...we ended up staying with them for 5 days and it really was God's grace to me...my shoulders felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off...and after a week of being home with the kids alone, even just eating dinner with other adults and hanging out after the kids were in bed was such a gift...I think it's safe to say that Jesus and my in-laws saved my sanity...and I learned that sometimes you just need help and it's okay...I think the fact that I don't work outside my home makes me feel like I shouldn't need help...all I have to do is take care of my kids and husband and run our whole life, right?! Ha!

On that note, it's been a year now since I have officially been a stay-at-home-mom...(my little star is almost 1!)...and I can honestly say it has been WONDERFUL and it has been HARD...it completely changed our family dynamic going from 2 working parents to 1...and through that I feel like the Lord has done things in my heart in the past year that probably wouldn't have happened if I had not been at home...I still feel half-crazy running around tending to 2 kids...but the Lord has so beautifully used this simpler time in our life to begin to open my eyes to things that need to change in me...it has not been easy...but after wrestling with some of these issues long enough (some for days, others for years), I was finally able to let go and the Lord could begin changing me in those areas...I am so thankful for all the ways I have seen the Lord's hand on our little family and even more convinced than ever that I can't make it without Jesus.